I just could not get in terms of the fact that he was lusting for me all this time.And, more importantly, I could not convince myself how evil his want to see his own mother objectified was. I never felt it. Not even the smallest of hints. I never knew he was capable of imagining his own mother as any other woman who would give him sensual happiness.I always felt my son shared everything with me. I felt he told me everything that happened in college. I felt he shared with me everything about his friends. I never knew that one day he would share me, his own mother, with his friends.And, it was not because I was a naive woman. It was not because I knew nothing about incest. Or, the bigger sins that followed. It was because I loved him. It was because I trusted him.Incest was a topic that had started to be very commonly discussed in the Whatsapp group that had my female classmates from college. I felt disgusted each time they brought it up.Even though it was always the negative side of. I stood in front of our friends knowing—knowing!—this would be the last time. I rapped.I was tossing and turning in my rocky bed.It wasn’t visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.The longer I slept the more my mind was filled with dreadWhen in the middle of the night, midnight, a voice said,“Poor man.”I was floating up above and could see I was deadThe panic in my chest was being fedBy memories of darkness and light and that ledTo philosophers and poets and something I readAbout yin yang.Poor man.No yin. All yang.I clawed my way to the top of the bottom of the heapWhere I learned the art of how to keepA spark of light alive in the dark of the deepChasm that opened beneath my feetI discovered that opening was more than a wellAs I slipped at the edge and tumbled and fellAnd my voice was silent ‘cause there was no one to tellThat just because it’s private doesn’t mean it’s not hell.Then you came to me, gagged and bound. YouWore nothing at all but the pain that hounds you—The source of.
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